Butterfly Sparks Designs

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Just finished round #7 of chemo and due to my own lack of paying attention, I put my body at great risk.

I thought I was through the worst of it! Then last Wednesday my counts were very low. My doctor prescribed an antibiotic and recommended I be careful. (That means get the medicene, wear a mask, don't eat raw food, go home if you can.) I left his office and went straight to work thinking I would pick up the antibiotic on the way home.

I forgot.

When I got home I wasn't feeling well, (big surprise) so I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed.

The next morning my counts were so low that most of them would not register on the computer. To top it off I had begun to run a low grade fever. My doctor was not happy to find out I had not bothered to follow his advice.

He immediately sent me to the chemo room where they quarantined me, hooked me to an iv and began antibiotics. My fever continued to slowly rise during the day and in the midafternoon it reached over 100.

At 3:00 he decided to put me in the hospital until my counts were up. They ordered a bed, I packed a bag and Mark came home to take me. I alerted friends and family and people began to pray.

Mark had been home about 30 minutes when my doctor called back. They spoke togther and for some reason Dr. Kahn agreed to let me stay home and see if I could get through the night. (I think that was because of prayer!) I began to take meds to keep the fever low and made it through the night. The next two days I was watched very closely and had to return for more IV antibiotics. My numbers finally rebounded on Saturday.

It's been a week today and I still have not regained my strength. My legs are weak and my body is tired. I feel like a balloon that's had the air let out of it. All that strength I had gained seems to have evaporated. I am weary in every way - spiritually, emotionally and physically. Several additional things happened over the weekend that are private, but reminded me that I have been pretty much listening to counsel, but only doing the parts I want to do. I am under conviction and trying to figure out how to adjust.

Ever thought about just quitting? I've never thought of myself as a quitter, but right now in this seaosn, I realize that if I could jump ship from illness - I would. The thought of relief from the consequences is a huge temptation. Obviously, I'm not quitting - because I can't! Even if I could, I don't think I would. But I do feel a little "lost at sea." I've begun to wonder if my efforts are really moving me any closer to my destination. I am alone in the boat and drifting.

I need to consult my compass and reset my sails so that I can go on to the other side again. As soon as I have the strength, I'll get up and do that....


Marissa Star said...

Um ... ya ... sometimes I feel like I'm drifting. And like you when I reset my sails ... I'm able to be lifted to the balcony of my faith to see truly,I'm always being carried, even when I can't feel HIS ginormous hands holding me. I LOVE your honesty and candidness ... you truly let us go on this journey with you. You are loved and carried in my heart always!

From one Princess to another! ;)
Great Love!
~ Ris (Marissa)

Ashley said...

I love you, sweet Pastor Jan! You are going to make it...you are an OVERCOMER, by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of your testimony! :)
God's greatness in you is so evident to all that know you... I pray you get some good sleep and that you wake up feeling refreshed and full of HIS LIFE! :) I love you, sweet friend!!!

Connie said...

My sweet friend,

You are so loved! I'm on my knees today for you. I pray today you see the invisible spiritual realm and the armies of God encamped around you. II Kings 6:16. I pray today that you feel the love, support and supernatural power that embraces you from your heavenly Father and your friends.

Lisa m said...

Even though you may be surrounded by oppressors, you are NEVER smothered or crushed by them...never give up sweet friend. You are not alone!!! Just say I will NOT be driven to despair!!! God will NOT desert me. No matter what I face I will NOT give up. Victory is MINE!! No weapon formed against me will prosper.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 AMP

I love you! You are a worrior. I speak to your body and tell it to BE HEALED AND SRENGHTEN in JESUS NAME.


msmargaretann said...

My favorite memory of my sailor Callie, she is a fat four years old jammed in a brightly colored ring floating in the pool, face and toes in the sun, singing, over and over~'merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream'.....
Until you have your strength, would you borrow mine, I have some to share with you.
Then you can ride the wind joyfully again, enjoying the dream....

Brenda said...

Jan, it's OK to drift... drift right into His arms. In our weakness He is made strong...rest in Him. He promises to renew your strength. Even the eagle does not work to fly, but soars on the wind beneath his wings. He will carry you.
"You know how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself." Exodus 19:4

Love you, Brenda

Michelle Benami said...


I echo what Brenda said...let yourself drift right into His arms. He will carry you, hold you, comfort you, and eventually give you clarity. You are a priceless woman of God, and He loves you. And I love you for being authentic in your words and actions. Your transparency is an encouragement, and we honor you for it.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sweet Friend...

I think what you are going throught is completely normal. You are healed and you are ready to get back to "normal" life and be done with this other stuff... doctors and medicine and hospitals are for sick people, right?!

Well, my friend, you must be patient with your body and your mind and your spirit. No warrior comes out of battle without needing time to rest and restore! Just as we go into winter, a season when the earth rests from her labor... Take this season of rest, continue to let your body heal... You have have lots of time to work and play!

I love you. Betty

Brenda Peterson said...


I felt compelled to read your blog this morning--been battling a virus for a few days and out of it. This blog is the best thing you could have done for yourself, Jan. I had a friend many years ago where you are and she had a pact with her hubby to NOT let her give up no matter what--and he didn't.

These are the times when your family and friends get their game on, take up the fight FOR you, and hold up your arms. It is an absolutely necessary part of this long protracted treatment protocol that is hard on your body in every way, just as you said.

God, I speak energy and encouragement and hope into Jan on those days that they are hard to find. Let us be her warriors with our swords raised and poised for every battle that Jan faces as she completes this climb and once again walks in Your divine purposes for her life.

Love you, girl!

Stacy said...

Jan - I'm so sorry it's gotten so bad. I agree with what your friend said, drift into the arms of Jesus. I'm praying for you and love you.