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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Doubt is subtle.

Welcome back my friends,

I have had a great week! Thanks to Elena, Tiffany and Phil for some amazing meals. To our friends the Laster's and the Bennett's for great weekend visits. Thanks, Tracy for the t-shirt that is so beautiful and reminds me how limited cancer really is. Thanks to Marie for a beautiful gift bag and Scripture and to Erin for a thoughtful sign about belief that set me down the path of the topic of this blog.

I'm still celebrating my doctor visit from last week. As more and more people learn of my progress, I repeat the story and I find myself giddy over and over again. When I talk about it I feel a little like a child. As I have observed this about myself, I've definitely been hearing some comments in my head that are not from God.

Lie #1 - Don't act childlike - people will think you are foolish. I know that there is "grain" of truth in most lies. Isn't that how the enemy works? He knows the Word of God and can quote it but loves to pervert the truth - telling half lies to bring confusion. That's how I feel about this thought...What do I really care about what people think? Honestly, I feel like a child - a giggle rises up in me - a big smile spreads across my face - and I want to leap! Oh how easy it is for pure joy to be squashed, stolen or rebuked. I've decided to just go ahead and be happy about it!

Lie #2 - You shouldn't have told everybody. When you are sick again, they'll be disappointed. I first heard this lie while driving to work last Thursday morning. I was totally entertaining it and wondering if I had spoken too soon. Should I have been like an expectant mom and wait until the first trimester is over? Maybe I should have phrased it a little more cautiously...Just reasoning with myself about the consequences of boldly announcing the tumor is gone. Okay - but the tumor is gone!

Lie #3 - It doesn't mean that you are healed - you are going to be sick again. I began to ask God "Am I healed?" "Is this a miracle?" Somewhere over the middle of Grapevine Lake Damn, I realized "It's a miracle for me." I've got to stop comparing myself to the medical standard and the other people in the Cancer Center. In my case, it's miraculous. As soon as I moved to that way of thinking, thanksgiving began to rise up - quickly followed by faith to believe that if the tumor is gone, then the cancer is gone. I began to declare my body a cancer free zone! Can't wait for the scans to agree with me.

The week before this doctor visit, I felt like the we were 1/3rd of the way through. I don't know exactly what that means. I don't think I should put my own expectations on it - like saying 1/3rd of the time has passed or 1/3rd of the disease is conquered or whatever fantasy that make perfect sense to my strategic mind. I don't think it's that simple. Here's a place where I've got to look forward to the sign posts.

I'm now learning about the 2/3. I have been battling for my body...but now I'm moving into a battle for the secret thoughts of my soul! This portion of the process might be more subtle or deceptive or seemingly confusing. The issues and enemies aren't as clear cut. After all, I know it's God's will to heal my body - and that cancer is the enemy. Now I have to know He will heal my soul and reveal to me the places in me that are founded on lies. It's now a matter of whether I will stand in faith or in doubt?

Doubt is so potentially dangerous and so subtle. I imagine it's like coming to a "Y" in the road and deciding to go left when the map says go right. It's a small decision, but the longer you walk down the path the further you are from your destination. It seems like nothing at the moment. I don't even think most of the time I realize when I'm doubting. Just an undirected mind and a few quick glances at the facts, and I can be down the road in a hurry. I refuse to lose the healing we've fought so hard to obtain. After all I'm practing being resolute.

I realized that maybe you are having some of the same kind of thoughts. I can imagine you are asking if it means I've been healed. I suspect you are might be thinking that I (or maybe you) will be disappointed. Maybe you've thought it was just too good to be true. Maybe you've thought it was time to move over to the next prayer assignment. I'm so grateful that you are a faithfilled people, standing in confidence with me over this situation. I know you too will cast down these imaginations and just stand on faith. The enemy does not stand a chance in the face of pure and simple faith.

Tomorrow I'm headed in for round 3 of chemo. I was supposed to have an additional chemo drug added to my regimine that would make the visit and hour and half longer. Last week he told me I'm doing so well, that's I don't have to do that. He's going to wait. Yea! We'll have a normal day and be home by mid-afternoon. Lynnell is coming early to drive me and I have an another amazing blessing box to enjoy! Wait until you see it! We'll take some pics and post them for fun.

Thanks for celebrating with me all week! For believing I've experienced miraculous healing. For being a true "Jonathon" friend. For being you!

I love you,


Hallie Calvin said...


Don't every worry about whether people think you are childlike or foolish. Chances are they probably don't anyway, but this is your journey, do it your way. Also, don't worry about sharing the good news too soon. We all love sharing in the good news as well as praying for you when the news was not so good. You are an amazing woman and as long as you are following God's lead, you will not be led down the wrong path. Keeping you in my prayers daily....Hallie.

Rene said...

I heard this quote this week: "Miracles don't go where they are needed but where they are expected." God has/is/going to perform a miracle in you because you expect it. We don't know exactly how that miracle is going to play out but it is a MIRACLE!!! Hope that the chemo does its job and you have the spring back in your step quickly!

Rene Owens

Julie Lang said...

Funny, when reading this post I was reminded of my reaction when I read in our church bulletin on Sunday that you were "Cancer Free"! I had sent an update to our church who has been praying for you that the tumor was gone (actually I cut and pasted straight from your blog - in your words) and asked for continued prayers and prayers of thanksgiving for this wonderful news. At first, my eyes got big and I thought - well, that's not exactly what I meant. But, within seconds I changed my thought to - where else better to declare you cancer free than our church bulletin! Remove the doubts - they are not productive. I will be thinking about you and praying for you today and the difficult days ahead. I love you, Julie

Abby Grace said...

That was a great message Jan! It really ministered to me and I needed to hear that. My pain has come back in full force on this vacation and I've been battling doubt as well. Thank you for the encouragement! I'm praying for you today and I miss and love you so much!!!!
-Katy B

Lc Allan said...


Anonymous said...

Dear Jan
I love your pure honesty in all things as it ministers to us all whether we are battling illness or a different journey all together! I knew without a doubt Dennis and I had made a decision that no one else may understand and as I moved forward with that decision all sorts of lies and doubts arose and your word was just the reminder of faith to trust God no matter what!
Praying with and for you everyday!
I love you friend and look forward to seeing you soon!
Cindy Kelley

Brenda Peterson said...

Hey Jan,

I just read this post. I so love your analogy of doubt being like the "Y". I like word pics and this one made so much sense to me that I think I will write it down in my book of profound "wow" stuff! Thanks.