Butterfly Sparks Designs

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Standing in the need of prayer...

Hi friends,



Do you know this song? It's me, it's me, it's me Oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer...



I have been in bed for five days - and I'm still weary. I had a relatively easy weekend following chemo. I rested well and managed the pain much more effectively. I really expected to feel good on Monday and return to work on Tuesday - like I've done for the past two rounds of chemo.


However, on Monday I was still exceedingly tired and I slept almost all day. I got up Tuesday morning and went to a breakfast meeting at work. I was really weak, but determined to press through. During breakfast I got really ill and thought I might pass out. My co-worker had to drive me back home - where I spent the rest of the day in bed again.



Today I went to the doctor, expecting to receive another dose of Avastin, my weekly check up and then head into work. Instead I learned that my white counts are low (the reason for my extreme fatigue) and as a result didn't receive treatment - but was sent home to bed again. I did get a booster shot this morning and I'm hopeful that by tomorrow morning my counts will be sufficient to resume both my work schedule and my treatment plan.



I did get some good news today! The MRI of my breast revealed that the tumor is 1/2 of it's original size - which was already small. Obviously, this is good news and means that the "cocktail" of drugs is effective and is making progress. However, it wasn't the report I had hoped for, leaving me with a strange sense of disappointment. The CT of my hip isn't as definitive as the MRI. He is confident the cancer is being killed - but the CT revealed that my hip bone is still very porous and now has a small crack in it. This is the reason for the return of the pain. He cautioned me again about being careful not to break the bone and put me back on some restrictions - like no lifting etc. He says I am responding well and that I'm to trust him. I do.



For the past few weeks I've been really struggling emotionally. Between the returning hip pain, recurring urinary tract infections, and general apathy, I find I am in need of some additional prayer support. I get easily discouraged by the length of the process. I really like to determine the problem, spend a day or so thinking about what to do about it, then do it! Then move on!



The problem with this cancer thing is that it just does not move on! When you feel good, you feel like you are making progress and you can easily believe that you are the victor. But when your body feels bad and your mind is tired and your emotions are flat, its much easier to listen to every whisper of the enemy. I'm trying to turn his voice away, but he is merciless - bringing fear and hopelessness and anxiety at every turn.



I realized again tonight that I've not been calling on my friends and family for the support I so desperately need. I've been drawing further and further away - rather than announcing at the top of my lungs that I'm struggling! I am reminded that one of the strategies of the enemy is to keep me isolated and my needs hidden. When I feel discouraged, I tend to close up - be quiet - wait for it to pass. I think that's a failing strategy in this moment. So friends, would you pray for me again? I am in need of healing - yes - and so much more.



Mary Jo asked me recently who's report was I going to believe. I believe the report of the Lord - that I will not die but live and declare His works!



Jan

11 comments:

Brenda Peterson said...

Jan,

Thanks for sharing so transparently. I am glad to know that this is going on so we can all pray specifically. I believe this will be laser effective prayer; targeted right where the enemy is trying to attack and wear you down. It is impossible to walk something like this out alone but with a legion of people waiting in line to help keep your arms raised, you will win this war.

Jeff and I will be praying! We love you.

Kim Fox said...

Hello sweet Jan thanks for sharing your needs with your prayer warriors
so we can stand in the Gap for you .
Praying you will feel refreshed and supernatural energy . Love You
Kim

Psalm 73;26
My Flesh and my Heart may fall
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever .

Lynnell said...

THANK YOU for telling us you need us because we need YOU! I know you don't want to bother us... YOUR NOT!! We all want to be THERE for YOU.. I love you my dear sweet friend. makes me so sad you are having these feelings and I AGREE with Mary Jo DO NOT LISTEN TO SATAN!! (ok was that loud enough)
You are God's favorite daughter he loves you and ISN"T leaving you or giving up on YOU.
And neither are WE!!! Your sisters in Christ are before you, beside you, behind you EVERYWHERE!
Your heart is so wonderful and I am so blessed to have you!!
We have you on ALL prayer list and will till you Kick this nasty disease!I saw this saying the other day about Cancer...
What Cancer CAN"T do..
It cannot invade the SOUL, suppress memories, kill friendships,destroy peace,conquer the spirit, shatter HOPE, cripple LOVE, corrode FAITH, steal eternal LIFE, silence courage!
So my friend as your laying in bed just remember all those verses everyone sent you about healing!
Psa 34,Psa.91:15-16, Psa.118:17,Isa.40:29, james 1:8 and more!!
Love you my sista!
Lynnell

Pam Mueller said...

Jan, thanks for telling how we can pray specifically--this is so helpful! You are loved, and we are holding your arms up!

Nicole said...

Jan,
I just love you. Love that you are open and transparent. Love that you are sharing your journey with us. I pray that He would cover you today. That the precious blood of the Lamb would cover you like a blanket. I pray that every scheme and lie of the enemy would be bound and only the sweet voice of our Savior and Healer would be heard by you. In the name of Jesus, you are healed by His stripes. In the name of Jesus, cancer will be annihilated and every cell in your body will be restored 100%.
Here is the scripture that I will pray over you today:

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. (Heb 10:23 NKJV)

Much Love
Nicole

The Durham's said...

"To see both sides of Jesus is to see both sides of prayer. It is to see the need for compassion, for care, for concern, for weeping with those who weep, for sympathy, for groaning, for aching deeply because of what you sense transpiring in human lives. AND it is to learn the place and time for anger, when we see Satan's wiles successfully destroying; for indignation, when the adversary's program VIOLATES territory that is rightfully Christ's; for boldness, when the demonic hordes announce their presence; for ATTACK, when the Holy Spirit prompts an advance." --Jack Hayford

He is prompting and we WILL fight with you. We love you so much and we absolutely trust His plan and call it forth.

Jay said...

2 Cor 12:9-10, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

John 7:38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."

Father I praise and give you thanksgiving for the abundant grace and power that you are pouring in and through Jan at this time. In her weakness, in her struggles, your grace and power are truly being manifested in a greater measure. Give her wisdom and greater understanding of this truth as she simply rests in your loving arms. It is not in our times of personal strength that we come to know your abundant grace, but in times like these.

She is a a vessel of your abundant living waters. Out her flows your grace to others. She holds nothing back, but continues to share what you have given her. Even if that is her tears. For they are abundantly precious in your sight.For you are so pleased with her heart and desire to trust you in ALL things. Nothing, not sickness, not cancer, not despair, or weariness can separate her from your love, power and grace in her life.

Continue to be glorified in her life and testimony of suffering, for she shares in your suffering.

For you are the resurrection and the life! Blessed be your name Lord Jesus!

We love you
Sweet Warrior and lamb of God!

Jay

Marci said...

Jan,
Being transparent and honest enough to ask for help when we need it is something we all need to learn to do! As moms, we are so used to meeting everyone else's needs and nurturing them that we forget how to ask for help for ourselves in our dark times. Know that you are always in my prayers and that I so look forward to the days when I see you in the office on a daily basis and get to hear repeatedly of all the wonderful things God has done for and through you!!

Be blessed precious friend!!

Marci

Lisa M said...

Sweet warrior in pink, looks like you have a great army fighting for you and I continue to fight with them and you. You are not alone!!!!

I love you sweet sister,
Lisa

amy ford said...

Jan - i am praying for you - this too shall pass. One day at a time and TRUST not on your own strength but on HIS. love you very much,

Unknown said...

I asked the Lord what to pray right now for you and immediately this song came to my mind. I haven't sung it in years so I KNOW it is Holy Spirit inspired and I have faith to sing/pray it over you:
HE IS JEHOVAH,
GOD OF CREATION
HE IS JEHOVAH,
LORD GOD ALMIGHTY
THE BALM OF GILEAD,
THE ROCK OF AGES HE IS JEHOVAH,
THE GOD THAT HEALETH THEE SING ALLELUIA, SING ALLELUIA SING ALLELUIA, SING ALLELUIA HE IS JEHOVAH,
THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY HE IS JEHOVAH, THE GOD THAT HEALETH THEE

2. HE IS THE GREAT I Am,
THE GOD OF ABRAHAM
JEHOVAH SHALOM, THE GOD OF PEACE
I AM
THE GOD OF ISRAEL,
THE EVERLASTING ONE
HE IS JEHOVAH,
THE GOD THAT HEALETH THEE,

3. HE'S YOUR PROVIDER,
JEHOVAH JIREH
GOD OF SALVATION,
GOD OF MESSIAH
HIS SON HE SENT TO YOU,
AND TESTIFIED OF HIM
HE IS JEHOVAH,
THE GOD THAT HEALETH THEE