Journal Post from Israel - The Western Wall

May 11, 2010

Now it our time at the Western Wall. 3/4ths for men. 1/4th for women. The men are doing Bar Mitzvah's. The women stand on plastic chairs and peak over a divider to watch their sons and husbands execute a tradition at least 2,000 years old. The men sing. Take pictures. Read the scrolls. Proud daddies. Many men gather to encourage and embrace the youngest among them.

On the women's side there is mass prayer and mass chaos. As we approach the wall there is only a tiny spot for us. They have pulled their chairs to the wall and filled in all the holes. I wonder if they are offended by our "gentile" and "Christian" efforts to honor their prayer wall.

We hold back, our written prayers in hand, waiting for our turn only to find there is no "turn". No personal space here. I hesitate as the woman beside me is in travail - angst, weeping, rubbing the wall, babbling. I don't want to interfere. MJ waves me on. I step up. Tuck my prayer in a crack and place my hands and face on the wall.

I wait. I seek. No real prayer rises to my lips. I acknowledge the sanctity of this place, but don't find answers here. I step back and another steps up. When done, we back out. You don't turn your back on the wall.

I am struck again by all the effort made to come to a place to meet with Him. I am convicted of my laziness. Too tired to get on my knees, when they will trek miles for one time, or one day at the wall. Some make the journey everyday. I am impressed with their reverence, respect, diligence and effort, but saddened for them because there is no power in the wall. All the power lies in acceptance of the very one they seek...

Spiritual Highs and Spiritual Lows

Dear friends,

Thanks for stopping by my blog again. I know it’s been weeks since I’ve posted anything of real value here and I apologize for that. Many of you know that the conference, Pink Impact, has been underway and that I get sort of swallowed up in the experience.

I’m very happy to report that the conference was an amazing gathering both personally and professionally. I am so honored to walk with such an amazing group of women and to serve such an amazing God. If you missed it, you can purchase cd’s or DVD’s from the church bookstore soon!

I had planned to share with you some of the personal highlights from the conference during my first blog. However, there has been something happen in my life that has shifted my focus so dramatically that I feel is important to share.

You might have heard Christine Caine say at Pink Impact that a statistic of one in a million is just a statistic until you meet the one. I have been broken for the one.

Last Monday morning my housekeeper and friend, Maria, was brutally murdered by her abusive husband in her own home. In a matter of a couple of moments, a marriage of 26 years, 6 children, two son-in-laws and two grandbabies went from the American dream to devastation. In a moment, her children and grandchildren lost parents, their home, their financial support and who knows what else.

When I heard the news I literally screamed. I never really knew what the word malevolent, or heinous, or even violent really meant. I was aware that violence against women happens everyday in their homes – even in my community. But I didn’t know until I knew.

I have been catapulted into the realization that there is a fine line between love and hate – safety and threat – life and death. What I thought was far removed from me, is in fact right in my neighborhood.

A couple of months ago I started reading a book called Half the Sky. (If you are interested in this book, please visit www.studiogmag.com for a book review.) The book is about the oppression, abuse and neglect of women around the world. Don’t read it if you are unwilling to be changed.

As I read, I was convicted about the blinders on my own eyes. My life is one of privilege and favor and ridiculous blessing. I began to wonder what I was to do about my sisters around the world who daily stand in the face of great opposition.

Now I find my heart convicted again – but this time for my sisters who stand in the same oppression – right next door to me. I do not know what I am to do, but I know I am not to stand by and act as if their pain is not important or worth noticing. Injustice is so cruel.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Israel. It’s another example of the extraordinary privilege that is mine. I’ve dreamed of walking where Jesus walked for a long time…and I am truly honored to have the favor, time and resources to go to the Holy Land.

I have to tell you, that I am a little in fear of what God might do in my heart on this trip. I am so tender in this moment and I have experienced both spiritual highs and lows in a very short period of time. As I place my feet on the “Holy Land” I am reminded that even there unholy violence reigns and that Jesus experienced the most excruciating, undeserved, cruel punishment for my sins. Surely, I will not return the same.

Will you join me in praying for the children and grandchildren of my friend Maria? If you would like to contribute something toward their financial needs, you can stop by any Wells Fargo branch and ask to make a deposit into an account on behalf of the family of Maria Santos Corona.

I will be tweeting from Israel and hope to journal often on the trip. I look forward to sharing.

I love and appreciate you!

Jan

I have hair!

Hi friends,

I've given up my scarves, hats and wigs! I am ala-natural and let me tell you my hair is short! This photo was taken on the last day I wore a hat! It gives you a hint about just how short it really is. I've laughed several times about asking God for hair by Pink Impact. I definitely should have been more specific - "at least 2 inches" would have been smart! Prepare yourself - it's short and sassy and salt and pepper. It's been like freedom to just walk out the door again. You should be a little jealous - it takes me about 10 seconds to style!

Pink Impact is only a few days away and everywhere I go, ladies are getting excited with me. At this point, I'm just wishing it was time! The only thing left for me to do is finish my talk. Would you pray for me? I have my thoughts - I just need the final order to come together. Got some tips from my sweet friend Lynda Grove yesterday to help me organize and prioritize - so one more day of prep and then prayer, prayer, prayer!

As soon as Pink Impact is over - I am headed out to the other side of the world! I'm going to Israel. In six weeks, my feet will be in the "mother land." I've wanted to go to Israel for a really long time. My longing to visit was really birthed during a season of my life when I was participating in Bible Study Fellowship. The year we studied the book of Genesis was life changing for me. The more I studied the more I understood my Jewish roots and the importance God places on this little parcel of land.

When the opportunity came up, my heart leaped a little. I wanted to go but didn't think it was realistic. Finally I mentioned it to Mark. He didn't say much at first - just waited me out I think. One day while driving to one more doctor appointment, I just realized, "what am I waiting for?" Really - what am I waiting for?

Surely this year I've come to realize that we really only have this moment. There are a lot of reasons to wait - wait til the kids are grown, wait til I feel stronger, wait til Mark can go with me, wait til I can afford it...the list goes on and on...I'm over waiting. I'm not waiting anymore. With the permission of my husband and my physician - I'm going now!

I got to meet both Francine Rivers and Beth Moore last week! Surprises in the future from Francine Rivers if you are a Gateway woman! I am reading her new book and it is a page turner! Love her writings and I know you do too. When I met Beth Moore we were standing on the second floor of Barnes and Nobles in Southlake. I pointed out the window at the brand new Gateway campus out the window and said something about how much we would love to host her. Wouldn't it be a dream for her to join us at future Pink Impacts? I also picked up her new book on insecurity and it's hitting me between the eyes!

I've been thinking a lot about the process of cancer recovery lately. I'm at about 9 months into my treatment and although I'd like to be finished, I realized this week that there is a certain comfort in this stage. I am overcoming the enemy, regaining strength and growing hair, all while still receiving intensive treatment. Every three weeks I stop and fire some massive ammunition at the heart of the disease - a warning shot that says I am standing guard! You will not overtake me!

I am thinking that it might be more "scary" to stop chemo. What happens when you are not being so aggressive? When you stop fighting with drugs and only fight with faith?

I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'm courageous enough.

As I type this morning, I am so acutely aware of you. I am grateful for your "read" and praying a rich blessing of courage, faith and hope for you. Whatever your need or your dream, our God knows and is able. Let's trust Him for the measure of faith required each day. We have enough courage for today.

You are a miracle in my life!

Love,
Jan