Hi friends,
I'm sitting in the reclining chair at the chemo office today. Round #11. Eight months ago today the big "c" word entered my life. I can't grasp all that we've walked through, the victories we've experienced, nor the battles still to come. I am in awe of His faithfulness.
I'm all alone on this end of the room. Lots of people have come and gone throughout the day - but I'm one of the last to finish up. I'm feeling a little sad today. Just found out that one of the ladies I have shared many chemo hours with passed away last week.
Have I told you how much I hate cancer? I really hate it.
Even though I am saddened by her passing, I am grateful for the privilege of having known her in probably the most difficult season of her life. She was sweet and kind and encouraging. A good fighter. Her death is a reminder that this battle is so real.
This morning I was reading in Joshua about how he leads the people to take the promised land. In one section, Joshua is about to direct them on the strategy to take another city and He begins by telling them "Don't be afraid. Don't be discouraged (see Joshua 10:25). It caught my eye that this was exactly what God said first to Joshua. (see Joshua 1, and Joshua 8:1) Joshua begins to instruct the people by first repeating what God had said to him in private.
It seems in a great battle, we must be reminded of what not to be - afraid or discouraged - and we would be wise to declare and repeat the promise and instruction of God to those who walk with us. We are to be brave, courageous and encouraged.
Today I choose to be brave, courageous and encouraged - I don't feel it - but I choose it.
There are great battles on the horizon for you and for me. Battles that will determine where and how we abide. Battles that effect the legacy we leave our children. Battles that can bring glory to God - enough to melt the heart of our enemies by His reputation alone.
Let's not draw back before the sword is even drawn. I want my inheritance - don't you? Don't be afraid. Don't be discouraged. Let's stand up and take the land.
Jan
PS My mother in law - Molly - is in the hospital. You might remember that she is battling a health crisis of her own. She continues to struggle and is physically declining. Decisions about her care and treatment are being made. Please pray for my husband, Mark and my sister in law, Julie as they navigate such painful waters. I sat with Molly last night and she is "sharp as a tack", so to speak. Completely able to communicate both her history and her situation. In the midst of a very difficult day, she did not fail to immediately tell me she remembered my chemo appointment today. She prays for me daily. An example of beauty under pressure - a godly woman!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Seize the Day!
Today some friends called to say they were coming to Pink Impact in April! Three of them (who now live in three separate cities) are getting together and making a girls road trip to come hear me speak! (Wish you would come too! If you want to check it out, visit www.pinkimpact.com or simply click on my title above and it will take you right to the web site.) I am so excited! Beth, Ashley and Betty are coming! It reminded me of a very sweet season in my life...
I have made some amazing friendships since moving to the Dallas area in 2006, but there is a small cluster of women from Abilene, Texas that knew me first! They knew me when my whole platform was the kitchen table and every "ministry moment" happened with four children at my feet. (It's still my favorite place to have a God conversation!)
They were a part of my life during such an amazing time of spiritual development - any of them that were a part know exactly what I mean. We spent a few precious years, or in some cases only months, God-chasing together. We were passionate and authentic and vulnerable - and God did something unexplainable in our hearts. We experienced a divine season.
Then He dispersed us. Some to other cities - some to other states - and even one was sent around the world.
Today we don't see each other often. (Thank goodness for facebook and tweets and blogs!) Yet despite the distance - I know in a moment of need they would stand with me. As a matter of fact, they have already proven that. I hope they know I would do the same for them.
Thanks to Amy, Jonya, Beth, Wendy, Wendi, Betty, Cheryl, Kerri, Cindy, Ashley S, Ashley B, Sherla, Maria, Becky, Dianne, Donna, Michelle, Martha, Karen, Latrice, Yvonne, Loyce - and all my other beautiful Abilene friends - I know I missed some - You are still a sweet cluster to me!
You never know how long a season will last. Tough ones seem to go too slow, but sweet ones fly by. Sometimes you are in a very sweet season and you don't even realize it until it's gone. We had no idea that our season would end so soon, that it was so unique, or that it would never come again.
Transition will come, my friends - so let us seize the day! Make the most of the relationships we have and grow deep together.
See to it, brothers, (and sisters) that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today...Hebrews 3:12-13
I have made some amazing friendships since moving to the Dallas area in 2006, but there is a small cluster of women from Abilene, Texas that knew me first! They knew me when my whole platform was the kitchen table and every "ministry moment" happened with four children at my feet. (It's still my favorite place to have a God conversation!)
They were a part of my life during such an amazing time of spiritual development - any of them that were a part know exactly what I mean. We spent a few precious years, or in some cases only months, God-chasing together. We were passionate and authentic and vulnerable - and God did something unexplainable in our hearts. We experienced a divine season.
Then He dispersed us. Some to other cities - some to other states - and even one was sent around the world.
Today we don't see each other often. (Thank goodness for facebook and tweets and blogs!) Yet despite the distance - I know in a moment of need they would stand with me. As a matter of fact, they have already proven that. I hope they know I would do the same for them.
Thanks to Amy, Jonya, Beth, Wendy, Wendi, Betty, Cheryl, Kerri, Cindy, Ashley S, Ashley B, Sherla, Maria, Becky, Dianne, Donna, Michelle, Martha, Karen, Latrice, Yvonne, Loyce - and all my other beautiful Abilene friends - I know I missed some - You are still a sweet cluster to me!
You never know how long a season will last. Tough ones seem to go too slow, but sweet ones fly by. Sometimes you are in a very sweet season and you don't even realize it until it's gone. We had no idea that our season would end so soon, that it was so unique, or that it would never come again.
Transition will come, my friends - so let us seize the day! Make the most of the relationships we have and grow deep together.
See to it, brothers, (and sisters) that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today...Hebrews 3:12-13
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Valiant!
I had round #10 of chemo on Wednesday of last week. I have been doing well and grateful that the side effects are light. (My hair did not fall out - but it seems to stop growing for about 10 days in the middle of the 3 week cycle.) I do not experience the debilitating fatigue of the other type - but I am struggling with on going nausea and some body aches. I think the long lasting shot I take to keep my white cell counts high is really at the root of this issue. So I remind myself that it's a sign my body is working to keep my immune system high - pop a nausea blocker - keep something on my stomach, and go on!
You might remember that in the early days of chemo I shared about my physician doing a physical exam and commenting that the tumor in my breast was gone. God told me right after that I was 1/3 of the way "through." The 2/3 of this process started right after that and I've spent months working on bringing my soul and body into submission. Recently I feel like I've turned a corner and entered into the final 1/3 of this process. I'm just beginning to understand what this is about and what might be required to prosper while walking through.
In 2009 my word was resolute! I've learned so much about the power of being resolute when I am in agreement with God's word and His purpose. I've been working on my talk for Pink Impact and I plan to share pretty extensively about this "key" to overcoming soon.
But this year the word is valiant! My first thought was "Oh no! I'm going to have to be Braver. I was a little wary about what this might mean because I have been brave in 2009. It's taken a lot of courage to face a very intimidating enemy. I was hoping it was about to get easier...but guess not! I got my first taste of what they might look like last week.
I was not feeling well. Anytime my legs ache or I feel weak in my body, it's an uncomfortable reminder of what I experienced before my diagnosis. It's easy for me to entertain a fearful thoughts about getting worse when my body is speaking to me. I used to ignore my body. Now I have to battle to not give it more attention than is appropriate. Every little ache is threatening.
That night when I went to be I thought "I'm glad I'm going to the doctor in the morning for a blood check. Maybe my white counts are low."
The next morning I went to the doctor's office only to find their machine that evaluates my sample of blood was broken. Normally they prick my finger and give me a "count" in just a few minutes. This time they wanted to draw blood and send it off overnight to a lab. I almost said no, but because I hadn't been feeling great, I agreed. My veins aren't so easy to prick anymore - a common side effect of chemo. They had to poke me three times and it hurt. To top it off - no information about my blood counts would be available for 24 hours.
When I got in the car I was just grumpy - in a bad mood. I called my husband and spent a few minutes telling him my "sad story." Then I hung up and headed to work.
In the next few minutes, I experienced one of the strongest spiritual attacks of fear that I have had since beginning this journey. One minute I was a little grumpy and feeling annoyed. The next minute I was entertaining thoughts like, "I'm going to die. It's coming back. I'll never be free."
I started trying to pray - but the fear was so real and so gripping that I felt frozen in my authority. I tried to sing. I tried to call it a liar. I was rebuking the thoughts but they were coming fast. I texted my husband a note and said, "Please pray. Fear is speaking to me."
Mark called me right away. I was so upset I couldn't talk - tears were rolling and I was genuinely afraid. He stepped in the middle of my situation and rebuked fear and death. As he prayed for me, I felt it break. Then he said, "Jan, you are all right. It's not coming back. Everything is okay." I was immediately better but throughout the day I could feel the physical affects of the spiritual attack. I felt like I was bruised!
Fear is a spirit - and it has all kinds of degrees of torment, from dread to intimidation to terror - all are mean spirited and designed to destroy our faith. In Joshua chapter 1 - God says to take courage and be brave three separate times. I feel like my current situation is similar to Joshua's in some ways. After all, I've been delivered from death and I've crossed over into wellness. Now, I want to take the promised land called restoration! Surely there are some enemies occupying the territory that is meant for me.
When my boys were little both John and Matthew struggled with being afraid of the dark. For years, when I put them to bed we'd say prayers together and they never failed to ask God for no nightmares. I finally taught them a little prayer that they could say on their own. If I had to get up in the middle of the night with them, I'd make them quote it at me.
Sometimes the boys had to say it 4 or 5 times in a row to get them calmed down enough to go to bed. I remember one particular season when Matthew was praying this out loud every night for months with no apparent breakthrough. But then a day came and the victory was ours. It seemed like over night he was asking us to turn off the night light and shut the door.
Here are a couple of things I learned during last week's battle:
1) Don't grumble and complain. It's an open door for doubt - which is one step away from fear.
2) Keep an arsenal of weapons ready at a moment's notice - the Word, prayer, praise, your faith and a few close friends. Keep filled up on the Word of God.
3) Be on alert - Remember that verse about how the devil stalks around like a roaring lion seeking who he can devour? It's true! We must be responsible for the little cracks in our faith that allow enemy access.
4) Don't fail to ask for help! Isolation is a powerful weapon in the hand of the enemy. Stir up those who will stand with you and let them help you in the fight. One warrior is able to put to flight 1,000, but two - 10,000! Together we make a mighty band of warriors!
I am beginning to understand that I will have to believe that I am not only healed right now - but that I can be healed for the rest of my life. This will take valor I have never possessed. I will be victorious because He said in Joshua 1:9:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
He is with us!
Jan
PS. My counts didn't come in for two days - and they were great!
PSS. I was so blessed by our gathering of Gateway women on Thursday night. I had an opportunity to briefly share my testimony of being healed. I told them that I am somewhere between healing and restoration. Pastor Debbie gave a great message on being a gracious woman - one I really needed to hear! We never know who is watching or what kindness will do to encourage another. It was fun to be together...
You might remember that in the early days of chemo I shared about my physician doing a physical exam and commenting that the tumor in my breast was gone. God told me right after that I was 1/3 of the way "through." The 2/3 of this process started right after that and I've spent months working on bringing my soul and body into submission. Recently I feel like I've turned a corner and entered into the final 1/3 of this process. I'm just beginning to understand what this is about and what might be required to prosper while walking through.
In 2009 my word was resolute! I've learned so much about the power of being resolute when I am in agreement with God's word and His purpose. I've been working on my talk for Pink Impact and I plan to share pretty extensively about this "key" to overcoming soon.
But this year the word is valiant! My first thought was "Oh no! I'm going to have to be Braver. I was a little wary about what this might mean because I have been brave in 2009. It's taken a lot of courage to face a very intimidating enemy. I was hoping it was about to get easier...but guess not! I got my first taste of what they might look like last week.
I was not feeling well. Anytime my legs ache or I feel weak in my body, it's an uncomfortable reminder of what I experienced before my diagnosis. It's easy for me to entertain a fearful thoughts about getting worse when my body is speaking to me. I used to ignore my body. Now I have to battle to not give it more attention than is appropriate. Every little ache is threatening.
That night when I went to be I thought "I'm glad I'm going to the doctor in the morning for a blood check. Maybe my white counts are low."
The next morning I went to the doctor's office only to find their machine that evaluates my sample of blood was broken. Normally they prick my finger and give me a "count" in just a few minutes. This time they wanted to draw blood and send it off overnight to a lab. I almost said no, but because I hadn't been feeling great, I agreed. My veins aren't so easy to prick anymore - a common side effect of chemo. They had to poke me three times and it hurt. To top it off - no information about my blood counts would be available for 24 hours.
When I got in the car I was just grumpy - in a bad mood. I called my husband and spent a few minutes telling him my "sad story." Then I hung up and headed to work.
In the next few minutes, I experienced one of the strongest spiritual attacks of fear that I have had since beginning this journey. One minute I was a little grumpy and feeling annoyed. The next minute I was entertaining thoughts like, "I'm going to die. It's coming back. I'll never be free."
I started trying to pray - but the fear was so real and so gripping that I felt frozen in my authority. I tried to sing. I tried to call it a liar. I was rebuking the thoughts but they were coming fast. I texted my husband a note and said, "Please pray. Fear is speaking to me."
Mark called me right away. I was so upset I couldn't talk - tears were rolling and I was genuinely afraid. He stepped in the middle of my situation and rebuked fear and death. As he prayed for me, I felt it break. Then he said, "Jan, you are all right. It's not coming back. Everything is okay." I was immediately better but throughout the day I could feel the physical affects of the spiritual attack. I felt like I was bruised!
Fear is a spirit - and it has all kinds of degrees of torment, from dread to intimidation to terror - all are mean spirited and designed to destroy our faith. In Joshua chapter 1 - God says to take courage and be brave three separate times. I feel like my current situation is similar to Joshua's in some ways. After all, I've been delivered from death and I've crossed over into wellness. Now, I want to take the promised land called restoration! Surely there are some enemies occupying the territory that is meant for me.
When my boys were little both John and Matthew struggled with being afraid of the dark. For years, when I put them to bed we'd say prayers together and they never failed to ask God for no nightmares. I finally taught them a little prayer that they could say on their own. If I had to get up in the middle of the night with them, I'd make them quote it at me.
I am not afraid. I am brave and courageous like Joshua. Go away fear! In Jesus name.
Sometimes the boys had to say it 4 or 5 times in a row to get them calmed down enough to go to bed. I remember one particular season when Matthew was praying this out loud every night for months with no apparent breakthrough. But then a day came and the victory was ours. It seemed like over night he was asking us to turn off the night light and shut the door.
Here are a couple of things I learned during last week's battle:
1) Don't grumble and complain. It's an open door for doubt - which is one step away from fear.
2) Keep an arsenal of weapons ready at a moment's notice - the Word, prayer, praise, your faith and a few close friends. Keep filled up on the Word of God.
3) Be on alert - Remember that verse about how the devil stalks around like a roaring lion seeking who he can devour? It's true! We must be responsible for the little cracks in our faith that allow enemy access.
4) Don't fail to ask for help! Isolation is a powerful weapon in the hand of the enemy. Stir up those who will stand with you and let them help you in the fight. One warrior is able to put to flight 1,000, but two - 10,000! Together we make a mighty band of warriors!
I am beginning to understand that I will have to believe that I am not only healed right now - but that I can be healed for the rest of my life. This will take valor I have never possessed. I will be victorious because He said in Joshua 1:9:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
He is with us!
Jan
PS. My counts didn't come in for two days - and they were great!
PSS. I was so blessed by our gathering of Gateway women on Thursday night. I had an opportunity to briefly share my testimony of being healed. I told them that I am somewhere between healing and restoration. Pastor Debbie gave a great message on being a gracious woman - one I really needed to hear! We never know who is watching or what kindness will do to encourage another. It was fun to be together...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Pink Night - Follow
Hi friends,
I know it's Sunday night and no one is supposed to be thinking about the work week ahead - but guilty! I'm so excited about the upcoming women's night at Gateway! We've been planning for months and I feel like this night will be special! Not because of some amazing, dazzling, special thing - no gifts, no food, no gigantic musical number. Just family - just you and me and a lot of other awesome women, gathered together to hear our leader share from her heart. What an great opportunity for us to let her know how much her leadership means to us.
To top it off we are meeting on the 21st - the 21st day of a 21 day fast! I know every one's not on the "exact" day - or even that everyone is fasting! But I do think it creates a tenderness in our corporate heart that may enable us to hear or understand with a new depth. I wonder what we'll hear or see or understand.
If you've never been to one of our nights - then you especially are invited! If it's been awhile - you are especially invited. If you come all the time - thank goodness - and you are especially invited.
Join me this Thursday (21st) at 7:00 pm at the Southlake Campus of Gateway Church. Bring your friends, neighbors or coworkers. More details available at www.pink.gatewaypeople.com. It's a safe place to meet new friends and to get a fresh start for the new year!
I'll be watching for you.
Jan
Friday, January 15, 2010
He Makes All Things New!
Happy New Year!
I am so excited to be a featured guest writer today on a blog called Destiny in Bloom. (Click the title of this post and it will take you directly to Destiny in Bloom.) Some amazing women near and dear to my heart launched this site in 2009 and it is one of my favorite blogs to visit! I've been watching their blog - the diversity of their authors - the quality of their comments - and I can't help but get excited! They took a God dream and turned it into a God tool! I admire their obedience and the way they are stewarding their resources, influence and testimony! I think this blog will become more and more well known because it brings such sweet encouragement.
So please take a moment to check me out! I'm talking about fresh starts. I'm giving myself a "do-over". How about you?
I'd be blessed if you'd share the blog with your friends and family. I'd really like to increase their readership!
Loving you much and believing that HE makes all things new!
Jan
PS - Thanks, DIB, for the opportunity!
I am so excited to be a featured guest writer today on a blog called Destiny in Bloom. (Click the title of this post and it will take you directly to Destiny in Bloom.) Some amazing women near and dear to my heart launched this site in 2009 and it is one of my favorite blogs to visit! I've been watching their blog - the diversity of their authors - the quality of their comments - and I can't help but get excited! They took a God dream and turned it into a God tool! I admire their obedience and the way they are stewarding their resources, influence and testimony! I think this blog will become more and more well known because it brings such sweet encouragement.
So please take a moment to check me out! I'm talking about fresh starts. I'm giving myself a "do-over". How about you?
I'd be blessed if you'd share the blog with your friends and family. I'd really like to increase their readership!
Loving you much and believing that HE makes all things new!
Jan
PS - Thanks, DIB, for the opportunity!
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